Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
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5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
I’ll be mad as hell!
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.