WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
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[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach