wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
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sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code