Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
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Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting