Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
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I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
good for her
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him