Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
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[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Was it something I said?
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Finally! 😈
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong