WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
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“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.