wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
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Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Before crowbars crows drank alone
Monday
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
What about second breakfast?
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.