wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
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😲 WTF? 😆
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone