Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
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Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?