WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
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*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.