[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
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My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se