Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
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Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Shoo shoo! 😂
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser