WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
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The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
If you need a laugh.. 😅
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!