*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
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Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
I remember when things only cost an arm.