Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
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Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
I have obtained a hat
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
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