Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
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When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Body by sandwich.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.