Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
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This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack