Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
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I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
I like crazy people until they notice me
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Me: “I’m going to the gym.”
The gym:
Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
the three branches of government
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*