[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
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I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.