friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
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Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
*opens jar of wasps*
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?