Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
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Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
*jingles half the way*
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.