Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
You Might Also Like
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
A French press is when you hug naked
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority