@dshack8

Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.

…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.

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@QwertyJones3

Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.

@aka_fatman

Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!

@SeinfeldToday

George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”

@woodmuffin

Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁

@sonictyrant

Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?

Me: ok, but no tongue

@JasonBanksComic

Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.

@shutupmikeginn

As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.

@stephenjmolloy

*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*