Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
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There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.