wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
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I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline