Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
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I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
that colleague who touches your screen
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Noah: *eyes narrow*
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.