Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
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An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((