Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
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My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)