Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
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I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me