Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
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A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?