Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
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Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.