Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
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YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
*bites zombie*
Awwwww shit.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’