Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
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My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ