Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
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I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.