Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
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I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Alexa; make it look like an accident
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
his wife is probably gonna see that
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Good morning
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.