Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
You Might Also Like
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.