Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
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“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.