WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
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People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX