Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
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kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…