WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
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My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.