Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
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Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.