Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
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Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled