Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
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Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich