@jennasaysquoi calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
@TheBoydP Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
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@jennasaysquoi 
@dougbies BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
@murrman5 *catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
@joshweller Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
@KalvinMacleod [pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
@awordforaword Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
@Beatonm5 perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
@BerrymoreBlue I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
@IGotsSmarts Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
@robdelaney .@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?