Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
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[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
sir, my pâté if you please
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.