@TheBoydP

Wife: What do you think our song is?

Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.

Wife: Idiot…

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@dougbies

BILLION DOLLAR IDEA

A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up

@murrman5

*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”

@joshweller

Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!

@KalvinMacleod

[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*

@awordforaword

Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.

Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.

@Beatonm5

perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower

@IGotsSmarts

Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.

@robdelaney

.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?