Wife: What do you think our song is?

Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.

Wife: Idiot…

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A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up


*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”


Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!


[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*


Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.

Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.


perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower


Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.


.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?