wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
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If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
How times have changed.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.