Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
You Might Also Like
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.