wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
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Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
The glory of fall.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad