Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
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If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.