wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
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I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby