wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
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I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.