WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
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[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…