Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*

1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.

Cher: Do you believe in life after love?

Me: *checks dictionary*

No.

Like sleeping!

ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.

DAUGHTER: Chad.

ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.

Me: Ahh finally, some sleep

My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?

Me: Goddamnit

Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!

Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?

AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”

M: 😏

AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?

Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.

Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups

Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?

Me: *chainsaw noises*

They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.

Poor guy.

mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates

4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend

#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.

Sober me:

It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.

Drunk me:

A urinal! *pees in sink*

I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause

Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later

Pollen: lol, ok

We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.

Sometimes I think I’m too old to make a career change. But then I remember how Walter White went from high school chemistry teacher to drug kingpin. Anything is possible!

Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that

Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected

*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend

[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor

instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations

I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.

*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.

my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..

her: kids grow up so fast these days

me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers

her: exactly!

me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them

Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression

Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-

Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE

Shout out to the racoon or drunk person messing with my trashcans right now. Thank you for laughs, making me feel more sober than I am, and making me double check my doors are locked.