wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
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Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
The legends speak of a third Duran…
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.